I was recently working from a coffee shop, and while sipping my coffee, I happened to see a group of the senior leadership of this establishment walk into the area for a quick “coffee catch-up meeting”.

I don’t want to say that I was eavesdropping (giggles), but in my defence, they chose to have the meeting in a public space, so I was privy to the conversation.

It appeared that the establishment had just been taken over by “new management”, and this team was “it”.

As they talked, I soon realised this team was battling rapid culture change, staff trying to make sense of what was happening, and a lack of adaptability and accountability. Yes, that’s a mouthful.

I soon realised some of the most common mistakes leaders can make when they come into a new environment to effect change: enforcing the “Our way of doing things, and that’s how it’s going to be. Take it or leave it” stance.

This, by the way, was the explicit language used.

What concerned me was the tone behind the language and the leadership stance it reflected, but what stirred my heart with empathy for them was that, in essence, their intention was good. They genuinely wanted to make important changes to help the business succeed.

They were frustrated and faced the challenge of transitioning employees from the ‘old’ to the ‘new’, and from the sounds of it, they were not having fun.

After they adjourned, I slipped them my contact details, as I knew they needed help. So, let’s see if they will grab the lifeline!

It got me thinking.

Change is inevitable.

Change happens around us, but transition happens within us.

A change can happen in a moment. A new leader, a restructuring, a difficult conversation, a relationship ending, the grief of losing a loved one, or a decision we did not agree with or expect.

But what happens inside us is a process.

People will react to change. They react to how it makes them feel, the uncertainty, the “loss” of what was, and the security of what was known. They become frustrated, disappointed, threatened or insecure. They become defensive, and then they react and speak out.

This is where emotional regulation is critical.

I have learnt there is a difference between reacting and responding.

Sometimes we don’t react to what happened, but to our own interpretation of what we have created in our minds about it. Learning to separate the facts from the story we have created has helped me greatly to see situations differently.

This makes me think of pivotal moments in my own life, where I appreciated the time, effort and care given to me to process and reflect on my emotions when unexpected change confronted me.

I went through the emotional rollercoaster, from shock and frustration, down into a low point of deep doubt, before I finally accepted reality and looked for new ways to take on the challenges ahead and build myself back up.

Sometimes what we fight to hold onto is exactly what we need to release to move forward.

I must admit we get stuck in the loss. And it’s hard. Truly.

We lose certainty. We lose control. We lose what was familiar. Sometimes we lose a position, a relationship, or an expectation of how things “should be”.

But until we acknowledge what we have lost, we can struggle to move forward.

And this is where I believe leadership maturity is tested.

How do we show up as leaders when we don’t have all the answers? When we see our teams struggling? When we don’t see the way forward as clearly as we thought we would?

It could be easy to ask:

“What’s wrong with them? Can they get on board?”

Or we can ask:

“What can I do to help? What is my part in this?”

It is easy to complain about what’s not working, but leaders ask:

“What do we want instead, and what are we going to do about it?”

We take ownership and accountability. We roll up our sleeves and get to work with the people to get everyone to the other side.

For me, that’s what leadership is about when we respond to life.

We cannot control everything that happens. We cannot control how people will behave or react.

But we can choose how we respond.

Life will happen. Change will happen.

Who I become in my response is, in many ways, up to me.